Last month we addressed the hidden factors of differentials and punishment. Here’s one woman’s story of what happened following a traditional marriage counseling session:
(Trigger Warning) “It was 10:30 at night on the interstate. He pulled over. We had a concealed carry in the center thing. He got it out. [I said,] ‘What are you doing?’ And I’m thinking, ‘What am I going to do?’ He had it sitting out in his hand. It was me talking him down again and making it okay….”*
That is an extreme example, but pastors and those providing marriage counseling seldom, if ever, receive this information. Why? Below are three reasons from different perspectives.
- Many pastors and people helpers do not hear or listen to suffering when it is the result of another’s sin. Because they’re looking for the “same story” from both individuals, they may refuse to entertain the account of the one sinned against, calling it gossip (more on this next month).
- The person who uses his position and resources to punish his spouse doesn’t see his sin clearly (i.e. the log in the eye from Matthew 7) and feels justified, or entitled, to live life on his terms. He will protect his kingdom by minimizing, denying, and shifting blame onto others.
- The person being punished knows the consequences of speaking honestly, sharing information, and asking for help. She may share once or twice, but never to the degree it’s happening, and rarely after she experiences backlash.
For these reasons, the truth is concealed and the story keeps changing.
It’s true that we all sin to one degree or another, but bullying is not mutual. It’s important to ask questions of each individual separately for a period of time to determine truth and establish safety. The time and inconvenience of counseling married couples separately is small compared to the risk factors of counseling oppressors and victims together.
If you’d like more information, consider the following:
Request Light in the Darkness Training
Sign up for the Biblical Victim Care Course
Donate here (via PayPal, Venmo, debit or credit card) or send gifts to:
Clarity in Action Ministries
P.O. Box 403
Iowa City, IA 52244
Sincerely,
Clarity in Action Ministries Board of Directors:
| President: Sydney Millage | Vice-President: Karen Miller |
| Treasurer: Jamie Julius | Secretary: Jessica Cox |
| Director: Floyd Yutzy |
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*This is an example of physical abuse. Most courts consider intimidation with a deadly weapon reason for a restraining order. This woman wisely pacified her husband as long as possible, but remained in the marriage due to pastoral duress. Although she has left, the children spend regular, court-appointed time with their father.
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