How do you know if you’ve been misled?
Here’s part 3 of best practices: Time and Observation
There are those who hesitate to believe or listen claiming there are “2 sides to every story.” Yes. And No.
Once the wounded party is safe and provided for, best practices dictate an investment of time and observation. A manipulative individual who lives for his own kingdom may not believe he’s doing anything wrong. He may, however, know others disagree, so he changes his story to gain support. He claims to be the victim. Who’s telling the truth?
It’s vital to counsel both parties separately, asking and looking for the following:
- Which individual is impatient, focused on marriage and a return to “normal?”
- Which individual is discontent, trying to manage or control the process?
- Which individual fails to take personal responsibility?
- Which individual makes demands re: time together, time with children, keeping finances, housing, etc. in spite of other’s needs and desires?
- Which individual uses words of justification or excuse (i.e. “just,” “only,”)?
At Clarity in Action Ministries, we encourage people helpers not to use marriage or the other individual as a “carrot” or reward for changed behavior. That does nothing more than feed the flesh. Jesus is our reward. Jesus Christ is our portion. In Him we live, move, and have our being. Marriage is too small a prize. Using someone or something besides Jesus as the reward for changed behavior is nothing short of idolatry.
As part of the best practices of time and observation, we recommend:
- A local church that works with the victim’s requests for safety, putting themselves in the middle and saying, “No,” to the perpetrator. This includes prayerful, open communication with both the victim and perpetrator and loving, firm enforcement of consequences for each infraction (even if it’s “minor”).
- Use of law enforcement and the courts as appropriate.
- Separate living arrangements to whatever degree the victim desires for as long as she requests.
- Written communication that is seen and read by those in authority. Verbal or face-to-face communication to whatever degree the victim desires, but always recorded for integrity and posterity.
- Separate church attendance but oversight of both by the church of origin.
Given time and a willingness to see the truth, we can discern the reality of the situation. No one can fool all of the people all of the time, but until we know what to ask and look for, we will remain confused, manipulated, and misled.
Clarity in Action Ministries would love to help!
Request Light in the Darkness Training for your leadership or congregation (available via zoom for $25/person; 5 hours)
Sign up for the Biblical Victim Care Course which is available every 12 weeks: April 1, July 1, October 1, and January 1 as an asynchronous course. 25 CEU’s; $300, group discounts available.
Sincerely,
Clarity in Action MinistriesLike us on Facebook. Follow us on Instagram or Twitter.
0 Comments