Courageous Listening

Perhaps it seems like both individuals within a marriage are responsible for arguments or violent outbursts. Both individuals point fingers at each other and neither one is innocent. 

So where DO we start? We start by asking questions, listening carefully to each individual separately, and looking for “yellow cars”: differentials and punishment. When we hear examples, we look for patterns. If/When we determine a pattern, we listen to the person experiencing punishment–not the person who says they’re being punished, but the person who describes specific examples of threats, coercion, isolation, etc. 

We’re also looking at objective data to determine if one or the other has an advantage:

• Does one person or the other control the money? It may look like the person who makes more money, keeps the books, or pays the bills is the one making decisions . Look closely and ask questions to determine patterns of control and punishment.
  
• Is one individual isolated by the other’s choices or behavior? It is generally not a matter of “forbidding” someone to go somewhere or see certain people. It’s much sneakier. It is an interruption of her plans to visit family, keeping her too busy to do things she enjoys, discouraging her from interacting with people or doing things, giving the silent treatment when she does, or saying he is “protecting” her and the children from people and places they enjoy.
  
• Is one individual afraid of the other’s responses, words, or behavior? A man may be angry when his plans or ideas fall through, but is he afraid of his wife? Fear is evidenced by ongoing fatigue, psychosomatic illness (headaches, malaise, sore throat, unexplained illness), lack of focus, engagement, and hyperarousal (i.e. easy startle reflex).
  
• Is there a great deal of confusion? Does one individual try to please the other incessantly, but find it impossible to anticipate expectations and avoid punishment? Again, we’re looking for objective patterns of behavior and effect.
  
• Is there unresolved sadness and grief (often identified as “bitterness)? If one individual is characteristically “down” and grieved by unidentified loss that focuses on their partner as the cause, this is a telltale sign there is something going on behind closed doors. Bitterness and grief are two different things.

In most relationships, there are differentials of ability, resources, and influence.  But in a Christ-centered relationship, the one with greater advantage blesses the other.  Hebrews 2:11 says, “…Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.” In the same way Jesus calls us His brothers and sisters, a husband or wife with an obvious advantage bends low, or is gracious. He/She treats the other as a person of equal value and worth who has a voice as one of the decision-makers in the relationship.

What are some best practices when we identify an oppressive marriage? We will begin to flesh that out in our November newsletter. Until then, thank you for your ongoing prayers and support. We enjoy serving you!

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Sincerely,

Clarity in Action Ministries Board of Directors: